What the Media does for me

Okay...so obviously it's been quite a while since my last post. Griffin was just starting to be a little human and I was still trying to juggle a job that ate me alive for a while. Fast forward about...um...a year and a half, almost two years. Griffin is now walking, running, climbing, grabbing, screaming, and generally being a two year old. His conversation is peppered with "no!" and "Mine!" Cade is doing great and has this little girlfriend that I just think it's adorable. The only glitch right now is that my job of the last 2 years in ending in a couple of months. Ahhh, the greatness of the grant world! There are some good things about the end as well as some bad, but it leaves me in this bizarro place of looking for a job. And no one hates (did I mention HATE!) the process of job hunting more than me.

Lately, as I scour the job boards and network with friends for something to do that I like (imagine that), it's led me to really comtemplate some things about myself and my needs. I've found an interesting truth that I'm sure you've found too...when I watch too much TV, read too many magazines, and basically, immerse myself in society too much, I find that my need level grows and grows and I begin to feel impatient for the things I don't have, like I don't measure up, like I need a new car and have to go workout and buy new clothes and I wish my house were bigger and my kids all wore Gap all the time and what about our teeth? Are they white enough and should I be eating organically all the time and what if I can't pay my house note and should I get married and on and on and on .... I get overwhelmed to say the least. When I took this job, I took a $30,000 a year pay cut. That's alot of money any way you cut it. But the cool thing is, God worked it all out. I make more now with the extra things I do, than I did making $75,000 a year.

You know, the Bible talks alot about trusting God for the things we need. Phil. 4:19 says God will meet all of our needs according to his riches. And we all know about His riches. But when? And how? How easy it is to say we trust him, when we really don't TRUST him to work it all out. And Hollywood constantly tells us that we aren't skinny enough, ricvh enough, smart enough, well-dressed enough. That we should be doing this, eating that, studying this, employed at that. But here's what the Bible says. Ephesians says that we are His masterpiece. He knows every hair on our head. Even your momma don't know that! :) WE are what matters most to God. Every thought, every problem, every tear, every laugh, every win, everything. He cares for us the way we care for our children. Do I really care that someone is talking about my kid at school and makes him come home mad? Well, yes. It makes me want to call that kid's mother and ask her if she knows what an idiot she is raising and to get it together! It's that protective love. I care every single time my child is not happy...in the slightest. God feels the same way about me. About you.

So, the moral of the story? God made you ENOUGH. He didn't look at you and say, that's Carrie. I made her almost good enough. Nope. He looks at you and sees the masterpiece he's created. You bring tears to his eyes when he thinks back to where you've been compared to where you are now. He almost weeps in joy when he thinks about what he's got in store for you! So, today, as you go through your day, just know...God created you PERFECT. You are smart enough, skinny enough, capable enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, and God is on your side!!

Griffin's Big Weekend

Griffin had ALOT of firsts this weekend...I dropped him out of the carseat for the first time (yes, this really happened), he ate cereal for the first time, he discovered his feet for the first time, and the child who would have nothing to do with a pacifier sucked a binky for the first time!! He was lying on the changing table and I gave it to him just to keep him from trying to eat his feet while I tried my hardest to change his diaper. And what did Mr. Smarty Pants do but just stick it right in his mouth and start sucking it like he had been doing it all along!!! Now, he loves it! He is just growing so fast....

God is not your Waiter

Recently I had someone say to me, "I've tried this God thing and it's just not working for me. I've prayed and God doesn't answer my prayers, ever." So...you know I'm going to get up on my soapbox...

God is NOT your waiter. He does not come to your table, take your orders and then run off to His heavenly kitchen, whip it right up and then deliver it to you, just like you think you need in the time frame you think you need it in. Now, some of you are laughing. And some of you are mad that I said this. The ones that are mad...I'm talking to you.

God is not at our beck and call. Quite the opposite. Many people pray to God when they need something, but they never praise Him. He's not important enough in their life for them to take out some time to get in His word. How do you feel when your children constantly demand stuff from you (even if it's in a nice way), but never take the time to crawl into your lap and tell you how much they appreciate and love you? You feel used. Is that how we want God to feel? Used?

This "God thing" is not a thing. It is not like deciding to wear a certain color lipstick and then if it doesn't look good, you just change the color. Living for God, having Him speak to you, having Him answer your prayers, comes from having Him in a central role in your life. He is the star of the show, NOT us! He is not a supporting actor. It is ALL about Him. Let me say it again. It is ALL about him. Not us. We should be asking everyday, God, what can I do for you today...not, God, what can you do for me today. If you feel like God is not hearing you, stop and think. Are you taking time to form a relationship with Him? Are you taking time to listen to Him? Are you constantly demanding things from Him and then getting mad at Him when He doesn't give it to you? Are your motives pure? Are you serving others instead of always serving yourself?

God loves all of us and offers all of us the opportunity to have relationship with Him. But we have to step up to the plate and step into the role of a relationship, not a demanding child gimme gimme, my name's Jimmy type of relationship.

WOO HOO!!!!!

I have been wanting to sit down and post this for a week now, but have been so busy with my NEW JOB that I couldn't! Boy, it feels soooo good to say that! I have been unemployed for 9 months. The fact that I have stayed afloat this long is just a testament to God working through other people on my behalf. I just feel like I need to share my testimony abut how my job came about because there's someone out there who needs to know that God hears them. This may be a little long-winded, but for those of you that know me, well...I'm a little long-winded!
I had been praying for a job for 9 months. As I looked back on it, I did pray, but sometimes I didn't PRAY. Sometimes it takes a little more than just whispering in our beds at night before falling asleep in the middle of it. I really felt like God sent me the sermon about Elijah (see way down on the blog posts) and that He was telling me to be patient because he was refining me. Who knows it's hard to be patient when your house is about to be repossessed, your bills need to be paid, and school is about to start and your kid needs school clothes? So, instead of trying to control everything, I just trusted God. That's not to say that I didn't sometimes try to take the wheel from God, but he always brought me back to the place of relinquishing control. God had to bring me to the place of brokenness so He could rebuild me and recycle me. Throughout this time, I paid my tithes pretty faithfully. When I got money, even a little bit, I paid my tithes.
A couple of months ago, I realized that I was on the edge of broke. I didn't know how I was going to pay things anymore and so I made the very hard decision to go back to work and leave Griffin. It seemed like no matter how many resumes I sent out, I was rejected. Even Target rejected me. It took me a while, but I finally got serious with God. I stopped the bed praying and got down to Knee Praying. On July 1st, I began to fast with my son. One of the things I was fasting for was a job...but not A job. THE job. I wanted God to hook me up with a job serving him and I told him I didn't care if it was cleaning toilets. And I really, truly meant it. I did not want to go back to an environment where I felt pressured to go have drinks after work or be in an environment where there was just too much filth that I felt like I had to take a shower when I came home from work. It was hard to fast. I'm still breastfeeding and my milk supply began to suffer and I can't tell you how hungry I was. And I was only fasting breakfast, but as the time grew, so did how hungry I got in the mornings!
So, one day I had a job interview and I was getting ready in the morning. While I was putting on my makeup, I was talking to God and I was just laying it all out for Him about what I wanted and what I needed. He kept putting this thought in my mind, Did you pay your tithes this week? See, I didn't really have any money coming in, but I had received some child support from Cade's dad and some money from a friend of mine, and some money from my mom. I had earmarked it to pay a certain bill (my house note) and had just enough. But I didn't pay my tithes out of it because then I would be short and couldn't pay my house note. But God asked me again if I had paid my tithes. I tried explaining to God that I would be short and I really felt like God was saying, don't worry about the house note. Worry about being obedient to me. So I told God, okay, I'll pay them Wednesday when I go to church. But God said, NOW. It's truly one of the clearest times I've heard Him. Of course I argued with God that it was a Monday, and He still said, NOW. I blew it off and continued to get dressed for my interview.
When I got to the interview, I pulled into the parking lot, but I couldn't get out of my car. I was on the phone with my mom and she told me to get my butt out of the car right now and get into that interview, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was going to vomit. I had driven a long way for the chance to interview, but I just couldn't go. So, I turned my car around to go home.
Since I was so far already, I decided to go to the Winbourne campus, home of our Baton Rouge Dream Center and volunteer for the day. I figured it was a good investment of my time. God immediately brought back to mind me paying my tithes. I had to laugh out loud. I said, Okay, God, you're right. I AM going to church on a Monday, so I will pay my tithes. I wrote my check in the car. One hundred and twenty dollars.
When I got to the church, I had missed the cafe that they have where people come in for free drinks and food and just talk about needs they might have: clothing, food, shelter, drug abuse, everything. I found Hope, the pastor's wife and just pulled her off to the side. I had only spoken to Hope a handful of times, but she had always been so nice and so genuine to me that I knew she wouldn't think I was a weirdo when I told her that God told me to pay my tithes. As I began to tell her the story, I began to cry. I told her that it was hard for me to part with the money because it meant I was still 5 payments behind in my house and facing foreclosure. She cried too, and told me that God would bless my offering and return it to me. It was the hardest tithes I've had to pay.
A couple of weeks passed and I volunteered for vacation bible school at Winbourne. I just have such a heart for that culture and just wanted to reach out to those kids. While I was there, I ran into a woman I had met at a crab boil named Melba. Melba and I didn't know each other that well, but we had seen each other at church and she just acted like we were old friends. It was so awesome to have someone to talk to when I didn't know but a couple people there. She told me about a mini-Pamper Night that they were hosting for the women that she worked with and would I be interested in helping her. I jumped on the bandwagon immediately. I told her I would help with anything she needed. We exchanged phone numbers and I told her I'd call her the upcoming week.
A few days later, on a Saturday, I got a phone call from Hope. I didn't really even know that she knew my phone number. She told me that the PRI group was looking for a Case Manager and would I be interested? I didn't know what PRI was and didn't care. Whatever it was, I was interested. She gave me William Bradford's number and told me to call. I didn't call that day because we were visiting my family in Alexandria. But on Sunday, as I was on my way home, and I gave William a call. I told him that I was sorry to bother him on a Sunday, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to interview for the position. He explained to me what the job entailed and asked if I was still interested. I said I was and he set up an interview for Monday.
On my way home, I called Melba to let her know about some of the things I had pulled together for the Pamper Night. I heard on her voicemail that she worked for the Step Out program and when I talked to her, I asked if she was in the same building with the PRI people, hoping to get a chance to talk with her face to face about the Pamper Night. She said, PRI and Step Out are the same program. I told her that I would stop by on Monday because I was going to be in the building interviewing with William. She said, for the Case Manager position? I said, Yeah, actually. She then told me that was her position that I would be interviewing for and that she was moving to a different position. I died laughing! Then she said, You know William. That's whose house the crab boil was at! I couldn't believe I had walked into this. How hilarious!
I continued to pray and fast. I told God that I would fast until he responded. On Monday, I went to the interview. It was unlike any interview I had ever been to. If I thought for a second William would show any favoritism because we knew each other, that was quickly put to rest. It was an intense interview, but it was the very first job interview I've ever been in where I was completely honest. I told William that I knew I was the right person for the job because I knew where these women were coming from. I know what it was like to make six figures and I knew what it was like to sleep in my car. I knew what it was like to be an addict and feel completely hopeless and I knew what it was like to be delivered from the depths of hell. I knew more recently what it was like to make more than most people did in two years as a yearly salary and then the next day be applying for food stamps. We concluded the interview and I felt pretty good about it, but I was a little raw. Did I tell too much? Would he hold that against me? It was the first time I had ever told my whole testimony. Maybe he would think I was too broken to be there.
I got a call for a second interview a few days later. Last Tuesday I went and met with some leaders of our church for my final interview. I knew it was between me and another woman. I saw her come out and she was so polished and I felt like a little kid next to her. I had prayed all the way to the church and was so overjoyed. I felt like God had really told me that this was my job. Now, all of a sudden, I began to doubt myself. I got into the interview and began my story. I was asked some very pointed questions like, It seems like you have a history of very impulsive behavior. How can you assure us that you won't be impulsive and will last? This woman really forced me to turn a mirror on myself. It's so scary to share your testimony with someone and have them not embrace you, but instead take you deeper into it. I never felt judged or condemned, just laid open, raw. When I left the interview, I called Jennifer bawling! I blew it, I blew it, I said. She spoke some real words of wisdom into my heart and as I drove home, God brought this scripture to my mind: "Be still and know that I am God." He said, I am God, your provider. I am God, your warrior. I am God, your victory. Isn't that awesome!!??
I was actually at Winbourne, putting together our Pamper Night when I got the call from William and Melba. As William offered me the job, I began jumping up and down in the hall, still trying to be quiet so he wouldn't know. I didn't even ask how much it paid! I didn't care!!! I FINALLY had THE job!
Later, as I was telling William the story of how it all unfolded, I realized that if I would not have been obedient to God and paid my tithes that day, Hope would have never even thought of me for the job. But because I listened to God and gave that day, she knew I needed a job. Then William told me that on the Sunday when I called him, he was in the middle of praying the God would send him a Case Manager and then the phone rang.
ISN'T THAT THE COOLEST STORY!!!!!! God is so good. If only we could trust Him every time He speaks, every time He asks us to be obedient. There is someone out there that needs to know that He isn't worried about how you're going to pay your house note. He's got that. God will stretch us to the maximum point to see if we will still be obedient to Him. Do not give up. When things get tough, that means you're on the right track. Get tougher. Hunker down. Get real with God. Honor Him. Get serious about serving. And let God unfold His plan for you. He doesn't need you to help Him. He created the universe around you in 6 days. When you can do that, then maybe you can help Him. Know that he is the provider and His word is truth. He said that his children would never beg for bread.

A Child's Prayer

Have you ever heard a child pray? They are so openly honest with God. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I prayed with my son. I know that sounds terrible. We used to pray together every night, but it got lost somewhere along the way. Today we've had alot of bad news. I think I'm still in a fog...I haven't figured out how to react yet. So, tonight we prayed together. I prayed for him and he prayed for me. I wept. I wept because it was beautiful and pure. I wept because he said things that I didn't know he felt. He prayed that God would give me a job "not some little Target checkout job, but the kind of job that my mom deserves." He prayed for his baby brother. He prayed for his Nana. My heart broke in a million pieces...I'm still a mess. He didn't want to pray in front of me because he thinks he can't pray. Wow, does he not understand that God's heart is overcome when he prays? I have to wonder if my adult prayers touch God's heart the way a child's does. Does God weep out of sheer love every time I pray the way I do when Cade prays? Does he know how beautiful and pure he is when he talks to God? I realize sometimes what a HUGE sacrifice it was for God to give his son for us. There are alot of people I love in my life. But I'm not letting my son die for any of them. I love my mother with a passion that I don't have for anyone else, but if it came down to her or my sons, well.....And to watch your son die so brutally, tortured, murdered. Surely his heart broke a million times. Surely he screamed and wailed from the grief. He knew beforehand. He knew how much pain it would cause him. He knew how terrible it would be for Jesus. But He did it anyway. I am so humbled by His love tonight that I can only weep.

Griffin's Baby Dedication

Last Sunday, Cade and I dedicated baby Griffin to God. It was one of the coolest days! My parents were there and my childhood friend, Wendi, and her little girl, The beautifulest Tessa, Donna, who saw Griffin's birth, Lizzie, Griffin's third most favorite person right after me and Cade, and Jenny and Diane, two of my newest and most adored friends. It was just so awesome to be surrounded by people that love me. I'm just so blessed to be at HPC. A few days before, Wayne Austin, DeLynn's dad, called and talked to me about baby dedication. As we were talking, he started to talk about not being ashamed of being a single mother. I didn't really ask him anything, but he told me he felt like he needed to say that to me. He told me a story of back in the day when girls would be stoned to death if they weren't virgins when they were married. The night after the husband and wife consummated their marriage, the daughter would bring the bedsheet with the blood on it to her father and he would keep the sheet as proof that his daughter was pure. Wayne told me that every time the devil tries to lie to me and make me feel ashamed, God goes and gets his sheet with his blood from the crucifixion because I am made pure by his sacrifice. I was a mess by the time he got done, but it was something I needed to hear. There are so many times that I feel ashamed, but I always have to remember that God does not condemn me and has paid the price for all sin.

Later that day, Jenny and Diane came over and brought Griffy all kinds of beautiful gifts and brought me a big ole Turtle Pie! Do my girls know me or WHAT! I am just so blessed and honored to have such a great family and great friends!

Splash Park

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