Well, I don't have to tell any mother what a horrible thing it is to go back to work with a new baby. It just plain old stinks! I don't want to leave Griff, but if I wait any longer, we may be knocking on some of your doors to find a place to stay...literally. Look at that face! Is there any doubt why I would want to stay home and play with him all the time?
I finally had a breakdown. The stress finally just kicked my butt...having to worry about the house, my bills, child support, all the things single moms everywhere have to face every single day just to exist. I don't break down very often, but this one had been building for a while. I felt tense to the point I had a headache all the time and my fibromyalgia was going nuts, I wasn't sleeping well, and I was barking constantly at Cade. I tried to trust in God. He has brought me so far and has taken such good care of me that I know in my heart he wasn't going to let me fail. But I was so exhausted, mentally, physically, that I couldn't think straight, let alone pray. So, finally, I decided to call a close friend of mine, some one I consider my spiritual mentor.
Now, we all have those friends that will say "You're right, everyone else is wrong." And we all need those friends at times. But I needed truth, spiritual truth, good or painful. I needed to know why I felt so dry, why I felt like God wasn't answering me. So, I called and we talked. As the conversation progressed, I told her that I just felt like God wasn't listening and maybe he was tired of hearing me pray for the same thing. And she said something to me that brought everything into perspective in a moment. She said, "The teacher never talks during the test."
Wow!!!!! I thought about that. You know, I feel like the last year or so has been God just teaching me and teaching me. I've learned so much about depending on Him for my provision and being obedient and trusting him no matter how I felt. All these months of learning and schooling, and now, here was the test. How was I going to do? Would I crumble? Would I trust God even when I couldn't feel Him? I hadn't been able to pray in days. I didn't want to pray that night. But, I did what I know God wanted me to do. I didn't say my prayers laying in bed under the covers, half asleep like I usually do at night. I got down on my knees by my bed and I Prayed, with a capital P. I cried. I told God every feeling I was feeling, every thought I had, good or bad (He knew it anyway) and I prayed until I felt peace. And now, I still feel peace.
Don't get me wrong. I still don't WANT to go back to work and leave Griffin. But God has blessed me with a great person who's willing to come into my home and care for Griff. It's someone I trust and Griffin likes, and it's not a daycare. So, it's the best I could hope for short of staying home.
I guess what I'm saying is, God never forsakes us. He never ignores us. So, the next time you're going through a really tough time and you feel dry, like God is no where to be found, remember, "The teacher never talks during the test."
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